She read my blog the following day and asked me a question which I don't think I have discussed much on here.
'I'm most curious as to whether what you do has changed how you feel
about death and dying.
Are you less scared of it yourself? Do you feel
differently about the deaths of loved ones?'
I lost a close friend at 16 and close uncle 8 years after that, then grandparents and older friends so with each loss came a general understanding that we return to the source when our time here is spent. My friends first funeral ever was her fathers, how awful is that? Never experiencing a loss until it was one which would leave her so raw. Almost torturous. I am so very grateful of my life experiences in that way.
So, I look at my deceased and know they are not here. This body is a car we drive until we move to another way of transport. The fact that we look after it whilst we drive it means that I will also look after it, so that people that knew the external features can wave it off if they so desire. But inside, that is our essence and our true self. I find it hard to see it as something final, so yes, I do think my work changes the way I view loss. But its about so much more than my job. When my dear uncle died, I remember looking up into the sky during his funeral, wondering where he was and if he had finally let go. He was very cross you see, and I know dying was a painful experience for him. How we die is probably more of a fear for me, how people I love will die. Rather than the fact that I cant be with them on earth.
I would love to know if reading this blog has changed any of your positions on death, dying and funerals dear reader. Please let me know. Also, is there anything you would like me to discuss on here that we haven't touched on yet, or would like expanded?
Well - I get asked that often - and in turn I ask it to others of us who work with death...
ReplyDeleteFor me, my life has changed significantly since I came in at the sharp end when my mum died suddenly. Nothing has been the same - but I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. What an honour it is to be able to serve people at such a low time.
Thanks for the post!
Thanks Antler x
DeleteI think your blog is wonderful and thought provoking - a good reflection of you, which is how it should be. It made me think about a wobble I had recently whilst attending the funeral of a friend who died after a long and brave battle with cancer which was discovered when pregnant with her beautiful daughter Talitha Grace. My friend Rita believed until the bitter end with absolute certainty that God would save her. Her faith was unquestionable unlike mine, which I had never doubted more than at that moment sitting in the church saying my goodbyes. Somewhere along the way, especially since having children I seem to have forgotten or misplaced all the beliefs I thought I had held for so long - where have they gone?
ReplyDeleteDan tried to help by suggesting I research different religions/faiths to see if there is anything there for me but I want to believe in what I used to, I'm just not sure how I get back there. My dear Grandad was 98 yesterday bless him and still lives a good life at home with Grandma who is 6 years younger than him. I worry a lot about him leaving and it's making me cry even as I type this. I can't bear the thought of one of them being left behind. They still hold hands when they walk down the street together, still sweethearts after 71 years of marriage - now there's something to believe in. My first memory is of my Grandad pushing me around the cemetery in my buggy, I can still remember the scrunching sound of the sparkly stones under the wheels. Anyway, I digress. Maybe I need to make some quiet time away from the mayhem to get back to a calmer place.
You know Mel, one of the things I have learned from working alongside funeral directors, is that the elderly don't have the same feelings about moving on as their younger loved ones do. Your Grandparents, how lucky and wonderful that they are still here for you to enjoy, may well be much more accepting about the inevitable than you are. Each stage of our lives prepares us for the next stage, the same as with raising children.
ReplyDeleteI remember asking my great grandmother, at 83, if she was scared about dying or if she thought of it much. She was already a widow (her husbands death was the one I talked about in my previous blog) and she said that she didnt want to die but was prepared for it; that somedays she felt ready and others she felt full of life. Have you talked to your grandparents about it? Could you? Its something that is difficult to do, but they may be really grateful. You would know better than I about that, but if you feel its appropriate, be the one that is brave enough to do it.
I have recently hooked up with Death Cafe UK. They hold tea party style events where everyone talks about death. I told them I found it odd that some people don't regularly discuss it, because of who I am, but they said how so many people really benefited from the discussions. Maybe thats something you could consider as a family? Hard, but maybe its a good time to do it.
I am sad that you have lost your way with your faith. But maybe thats just your concious brain telling you that, deep down its in there. Experiencing a loss which doesnt make sense can cause you to challenge your faith. Give yourself a break, you're only human.
this is true my mum is happy and had a good life , she does not fear death and asked no more investagations done and prepared her wishes after she dies . i am dieing of cancer and cant except it , sore aganst the hospital for not doing more , iam here now to resarch what happen after death .
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry to hear that John. There are lots of places which can help you with your situation and Cancer Research is a good place to start. They give lots of advice and help when someone is dying.
ReplyDeletethank you , leaving children and grand children hurts , i have lost two close family but i was too young to help with arrangments so didnt know what was done to them . reading your posts has helped me lots , i have a nice carer who has got me throw same bad times over 2 years . keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteIm so sad for you John. Keep on keeping strong. A postive legacy for your children and grandchildren.
ReplyDeletethank you i do keep strong as poss had a good xmas with everyone over , only got out hospital a week before luckly . my daughter is a nurse and seen autopsys so has told me these things i dont want that , as the body dont go back as it was , unlike the embalming dont mind the trocar is abit unplesant
DeleteAw, its alright though really. Its something that is necessary as the bacteria which kicks off decomposition are in the intestines and using the trocar we are able to extract faecal matter and inject a preservative to hold it off as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteYou dont have to be embalmed John, you can leave instructions with your loved ones to just have you placed into the coffin and no viewing permitted. xx
that is what i was going to do when i first read about it my fear is not being as i was, naked smelly and horrible ! my body ant that bad so proberlly silley really , but i want children to have what they want and iam not gona know any of it anyway .just find a nice funeral home is good thing .
ReplyDelete